Blogging again

Since finding out the unexpected happened, I have been bugging friends for information and advice on expecting. Mec, Pat and Caran are three people who should start charging me professional fees because I bombard them with questions about the how tos of pregnancy (then) and Childcare (now). Our chats are extremely valuable to me and I can only thank them by making sure that their advices are always thought of, considered and, mostly followed. And of course, by passing on the information I get down the line, as Pia and Elma can attest to.

One of the advices I got from Mec is that I document everything. For some strange reason, I haven't been clicking as I much as I thought I would be. It's not that I am not enamored with Sophia, nor because I have been too busy. I just haven't been in clicking mood. Every once in a while though I feel the urge to do so hence the (very) few pictures uploaded. Mec mentioned writing down every thought, I guess something like keeping a diary of sort because soon there will be too many cute moments I wouldn't be able to remember them all. I'm not much of a writer, so I hope she, if she ever gets to read this someday, will bear with me.

Well she should. Because I am bearing with her now.

Words can not begin to describe how wonderful Sophia is. She is so gentle. Like all babies are. I wouldn't bother with the trivial stuff and go on and on about how soft her skin is, or how much I love watching her. Especially now that her eyes get so round when she's confused or interested in something. Up until I started typing I was irritated that she was seeing me as a cow. When others pick her up, she's all smiles and sweet looking. But when she's with me, she's all yelling, looking for my breasts so she can feed. She can never just be carried by me, there would always be a form of feeding.

But now, as I write this, I realize that hey, that shows that she knows me and can tell when I'm the one holding her. And that makes it all right.

Friends have asked about me breaking down, and I said I haven't. Nor do I plan to. I'm a single mom and I can not afford to breakdown. I can not afford to be anything but strong and happy and rich and perfect and healthy for my baby.

When I was pregnant, people asked about how I was able to do the things I did, how I didn't seem at all to have any of the complications pregnant women go through, and my answer was simple. I couldn't afford to be anything but ok. And I'm glad it's that way, because I'm a much stronger person because of it. It's giving me a fighting chance to not just hope to be the kind of parent to Sophie that I would want for myself but actually be that parent.